I remember there's a day I went rock climbing with my ex-boyfriend — I was 23.
It was very difficult; I couldn't really make visible progress that day.
On the way back home, I felt a tremendous amount of shame.
Looking stupid, learning too slowly — not being good at things made me feel so ashamed.
I did not go back to the gym after that day.
When I was 10 years old, we had this running competition. Teachers paired us up, and we basically ran next to each other.
As soon as I realized that I was slower than the other student, I started walking. I thought that was cool and rebellious and whatnot.
I freeze when I have to do something new or learn something new in front of people.
I freeze because I feel like people will think I'm dumb and stupid.
No — I freeze not because I believe in that narrative and “finally” people will know.
First Two Weeks of Fractal Bootcamp
I joined this software engineering bootcamp two weeks ago, and every moment I feel like I’m failing, I go back to my younger self — the one who pretended to be “cool” but felt really small.
I feel so ashamed of how slow I am, how dumb I am, how little progress I make.
Honestly, I’ve felt that way every night when I come back home.
There’s no one yelling at me about how dumb I am or how much money they’re wasting on my education anymore.
Instead, there’s someone who believes in me, who thinks I’m so smart and that I can do anything in the world.
But I keep coming back home.
I feel so bad for her. I want to tell her: You’re just starting. It takes time. You’re really doing well.
It’s okay to take time to learn things. That is, by definition, learning.
You don’t have to quit because you look dumb or don’t have immediate success.
You’re now surrounded by people who want you to succeed — people who will support you with so much patience and love.
It’s really okay to take some time.
There's thousands of stories
A peer student, Genesis, who I barely knew at the time, read my end-of-the-day post—which was quite emotional—and the next day he came up to me and just gave me a hug.
Those moments really meant a lot to me. But with that care, I found myself almost stepping outside my body, wondering who this person was.
Who are you, and how do you have the space to offer me this kindness?
And finally, I was out of my own mind and becoming curious about the person in front of me.
Yes, coding is important. But honestly, what’s even more interesting to me is what these people are doing here.
Where are they coming from? Why are they here? What are their stories? What’s blocking them emotionally?
And surprisingly, Fractal gives you the space to share those stories.
I listen to them and truly wish for their success with my whole heart.
I want them to reach the end of their really, really dark and long tunnel.
Because we all walk or crawl through that tunnel at some point in our lives.
I gotta say, I didn’t expect a software engineering bootcamp to be this emotional at all.